You guys will not believe how many drafts I have for this blog at the moment. I know it seems like I have forgotten everything but no. I stumbled upon a few difficulties and I don't know how to bounce back from it and continue writing my Chapter 21 series. I just need to settle a lot of things that's going on at the moment and I will refine and publish those drafts. I am quite demotivated because the memories are not that fresh and my feelings and thoughts might not be as raw as my previous posts. I also have trouble putting it into words and into this blog. So it sometimes needs me to be in the right mood for it. Another problem I might encounter is when I am in the mood, I might choose to write my book instead of my blog. So that would delay the whole blog post publishing as well.

Plus, Chapter 21 has not ended yet. I have so many more to say about my journey into being 21 and I am still experiencing it, writing my own path and what not. It is on going. With that, I might be publishing things out of order though the archive would still be in order depending on when it happened and when I started writing them. So ya da ya da ya da. I don't know why I am explaining this to you. Maybe I am so frustrated seeing all these drafts and this long hiatus is KILLING me.

I don't know, I am sure I will get all of this arranged. It's so hard to maintain and commit to something, isn't it?

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Chapter 21 : Healed

I don't know if you have guessed from the beginning of this story, but I am not really healthy. Worse part is I have guessed that I was not but now that I am better, I am sure that I was not. Whoa, what a way to tell a story, huh? Give the whole conclusion to the story in a few sentences and confusing us in the process. So here is the story of how I came to a realization that I am all healed from something I was not sure of having.

For those who have guessed from my tone in earlier posts, I am quite stressed and depressed a lot. I depend on things and people to make myself happy and I can get quite gloomy when I am on my own. A lot of things can demotivate me and there are times it was hard for me to get out of bed. I did find help. I went to the counselor's office a few times to talk things through and help me with whatever issue I might have at that time. I did took a little test with my counselor and it said I had slight anxiety, quite stressed and mildly depressed. I mean, it was just a basic test, it was nothing like... major where the result can be used to consult me to psychiatrist or anything like that. It was just to see what was going on with me. So I understood what was going on but I did not took it crazy seriously. I thought it was the pressure that I put myself under or the surrounding and groups of people I associated myself with. So I thought it might just be in my head and I can get better if I just stop.

That was another reason I went to Spain. I wanted a totally different environment and see how will I do. Honestly though it did look like I was having a lot of fun, truth is, everyday was me trying to figure out myself and I was constantly learning. I was trying to connect with all the important things in life and savoring every moment of that. I had a fair amount of time alone and with good companies. I learned a lot from them as well and listening to their stories and their takes on life. It is such eye openers to learn things from different people's perspectives and see how being heavily influenced with a different setting an culture would give different people different reactions and thought on things. Even before I have told you about the amazing people I meet and what we did so you would have guessed how it was.

There were moments I did fall into depression again. I mean it is one thing to feel sad, that's normal and you have to feel that emotion. But it is another thing to feel depressed, when you feel like everything just come weighing you down and you don't really want to do anything and you stay in bed though there is so many possibilities if you just get out of the door. I was in one of the amazing cities there is, I was in Madrid for goodness sake, why would I want to be in bed? But there were times when I did. And it was okay. I let myself understand that it was okay and I continue again tomorrow when I am all better. I make nice plans for myself or with friends, I treat myself small little things sometimes. Sometimes I looked lonely and most times, I didn't care and it did not matter. I was starting to be happy.

Before leaving Spain I was too scared to go back, actually. I almost felt like I didn't want to. I always say "Not yet, please". This was what my status looked like on my departure for Malaysia:

This post is hard.
I made full use of my final days in Madrid (I just want to use the word aprovechar because it is easier haha) that I used up all energy and muscles I have and end up too tired. My body is aching. I feel sad because I am leaving such an amazing place, amazing routine and amazing people behind. I feel excited to see my family and friends. I am dreading to go back to university for... reasons. I am quite nervous and fatigue from this traveling.
And all of these things I feel, just stirred up into this weird daze like I am just trying to get through any other normal day.So I have no other words to say except "Alhamdulillah" because He knows and this would not have been possible without His doing and if it wasn't Him that made everything easy.
Madrid was one of the best chapters of my life   ¡Volveré, España!

I know I should not let my past fears influence my future so I brace myself the best way I know how, just be positive. I have been practicing it for a whole 5 months, I was already use to doing that. And guess what, just like that, I am now half way through my semester and though I have a lot to study, a lot to do and a lot to learn, I am not depressed. I don't constantly feel anxious. I am not stressed. I know myself more, I know how to handle my problems and I know how to make myself clear so that I influence my environment, not the other way round.

Do I not have problems? Of course I do. I am 21, a student and I am alive. As long as I am any of those, I would constantly have problems. But I found out that it is how you take and perceive the problem that is going to effect your whole day and life path. And in order to do that I needed to have a healthy mind. So guess what? Just like that, I discovered I am healed, I am doing better without the struggles of being anxious, stressed and depressed. And I am eternally grateful.

Now all I have to do is maintain this.

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