You guys will not believe how many drafts I have for this blog at the moment. I know it seems like I have forgotten everything but no. I stumbled upon a few difficulties and I don't know how to bounce back from it and continue writing my Chapter 21 series. I just need to settle a lot of things that's going on at the moment and I will refine and publish those drafts. I am quite demotivated because the memories are not that fresh and my feelings and thoughts might not be as raw as my previous posts. I also have trouble putting it into words and into this blog. So it sometimes needs me to be in the right mood for it. Another problem I might encounter is when I am in the mood, I might choose to write my book instead of my blog. So that would delay the whole blog post publishing as well.

Plus, Chapter 21 has not ended yet. I have so many more to say about my journey into being 21 and I am still experiencing it, writing my own path and what not. It is on going. With that, I might be publishing things out of order though the archive would still be in order depending on when it happened and when I started writing them. So ya da ya da ya da. I don't know why I am explaining this to you. Maybe I am so frustrated seeing all these drafts and this long hiatus is KILLING me.

I don't know, I am sure I will get all of this arranged. It's so hard to maintain and commit to something, isn't it?

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Afraid To Fall

What is it about being all grown up that we are constantly in fear?

Remember when we were younger, we were not afraid to climb whatever we could climb, we were adventurous. We wanted to do crazy things because it looked fun and we did not know what danger was. We were constantly curious of things and we would actually quench those curiosity. Remember all the discovery we made? Remember all those skills we learned because we were not afraid to try. We wouldn't have been able to ride that bike if we were afraid of falling because we did fall. But we got back up. We wouldn't be able to swim because we would drown and there were times we lost our breath and adrenaline brought us back to the surface before we gasped and our heart would beat so fast. But we tried again. Our best friend wouldn't be our best friend right now if we did not made start the conversation, tagged along without fear and did things together. We have achieved and learn so many things because we were unafraid. Were we too brave that we came to an incident we almost or actually did endanger ourselves and it scarred us forever? Or was it the constant nagging of how we need to be careful by be it our parents or teachers or maybe after observing too many accidents?  Was it all those rejections and backstabbing that hurt us so bad that we constantly guard our heart before picking who we get close to?

No doubt, past experiences and memories keep us safe from making the same mistakes. It is our body's survival mechanism, there is nothing wrong with that. It is vital to keep us alive. But don't you just wish you can forget certain things that result to unexplainable fears so that your subconscious won't hold you back on many potentials you can tap on now that you are older? I, for one, find it so difficult to pick up a new skill. Three years ago, I started equestrian and though I was brave enough to start trying, I was not making much progress because I find myself not able to believe I wouldn't get hurt if I, perhaps, go a little faster or try to canter. I didn't say no but my body was being too careful. But I thought, well, it make sense. Trusting a majestic beast is not easy business. Dealing with horses is dangerous so I didn't think much of it then. But when I took up skateboarding, the evidence were much clearer. This is why I got to know myself so much through skateboarding. It took me 3 times practicing just to be able to push myself on the board at MINIMUM speed with confidence. It was not because it was hard... well.. that too, but it was more because I was being too careful. I didn't want to fall. Maybe it was the worse thing I could imagine happening, But when it did, I got back up and it was not a big deal. Through skateboarding, I have fall numerous times in front of sooooo many people so why is that fear and embarrassment still so deep in me that I still can't fully commit to a trick?

When I went to the ice skating rink back in Madrid, I was always only at the side lines, constantly just holding the rails, Same thing happened, it is as if I never learned. I was afraid of letting go but when I do, each thrust forward, I become a little panic and when I start to lose control, that's when I hold the railings again. It was so hard. Sometimes I would love to look at people in the ice skating rink. For kids though, they picked it up so quick. I saw some children that needed help from their accompanying adult but when they were ready, they just did it. Of course they would fall but I like that determination. The way their accompanying adult picked them up, they brush the ice on their jacket off and they continue like nothing happened. The adults that are just learning always look like they are ready to fall instead of ready to move forward. I know it is instinctive, they can't help it but that what made me ponder.

It is not just about picking up new skills, it is also about how we bring ourselves. I am an extrovert so, making friends come naturally to me and it is easy. But there are cases of some people I met that might give me a certain vibe that makes me afraid to try to connect with them further. Maybe they are just a naturally melancholy person, or maybe he or she just reminds me of bad memories but no matter how much I convince myself, I still can't bring myself to just forget that. Was it due to past rejections that I unintentionally reject this person? It is definitely unfair but I can't help myself. And there's the case of love life where rejections and failures is normal. Well, at least that's how it is in my case because I am still not lucky in this. Now, I choose not to act on my feelings sometimes or unwittingly make negative assumptions to guard my heart instead of taking chances. Most time it saved me but I can't say much because I am still single and for a very long time too. It is great and all because I only have to think about myself but it makes me wonder how much has fear play a role in our lives.

However, I have found a cure to it. It might not be perfect but it does help. I found that motivation drowns fear. There was this one day when I was in the skate park, I wasn't even thinking of learning ollie. At the time, I couldn't even lift turn yet. I have been skateboarding for a month and I couldn't lift turn! That was how slow my progress was! A guy saw me trying to lift turn and he figured my truck was a little loose so he offered to tighten it. But that was not it. He taught me to lift turn and ollie all in that 3 hours and I managed to do one bad ollie and but it was amazing progress in that short period of time. All he had to do was encourage me. When I fall, he would lend a hand to get me up and said I was close and I can try again. When I landed (though it was not an ollie) he cheered and it made me want to try again because I feel like I was close. I was motivated to continue. Motivation can come in many ways. Talking to friends would also create a motivating environment when it comes to feelings. There was this one time I felt like I wanted to at least make an effort to know this one guy and I made that decision after I talked about it to my friends. They rationalized my fears which made me think it was not a big deal to try and the knowledge that someone thinks it is not a bad idea to do it made me actually think so too.

One thing I don't like about this solution I have is that it is the embodiment of dependency. You can only lose or drown your fear when you have someone to provide that motivation. I have tried motivating myself instead but it is not as effective as being motivated by someone else. It requires more effort too because you have a constant battle in yourself to conquer that fear you don't even realize you have some times. Well, at least I admit that I am afraid and admitting is the first step to resolve this problem, right? But that's as far as they go in those movies. "The first step is that you admit you have a problem". And then? Guess I will have to figure it out myself.

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