You guys will not believe how many drafts I have for this blog at the moment. I know it seems like I have forgotten everything but no. I stumbled upon a few difficulties and I don't know how to bounce back from it and continue writing my Chapter 21 series. I just need to settle a lot of things that's going on at the moment and I will refine and publish those drafts. I am quite demotivated because the memories are not that fresh and my feelings and thoughts might not be as raw as my previous posts. I also have trouble putting it into words and into this blog. So it sometimes needs me to be in the right mood for it. Another problem I might encounter is when I am in the mood, I might choose to write my book instead of my blog. So that would delay the whole blog post publishing as well.


Plus, Chapter 21 has not ended yet. I have so many more to say about my journey into being 21 and I am still experiencing it, writing my own path and what not. It is on going. With that, I might be publishing things out of order though the archive would still be in order depending on when it happened and when I started writing them. So ya da ya da ya da. I don't know why I am explaining this to you. Maybe I am so frustrated seeing all these drafts and this long hiatus is KILLING me.


I don't know, I am sure I will get all of this arranged. It's so hard to maintain and commit to something, isn't it?

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Chapter 21 : Hoping for A Beautiful Closure



No.

It's not all fun.

Because running away is never the solution.

As much as I hate seeing the time ticks down to my inevitable day of departure from Madrid back to Malaysia, I am also glad to see the time moves forward to open up new days and more adventures for me here. Right now I am in a room which was once so foreign to me but now feels like home, all wrapped up under a blanket and a comforter, something I have never done before until I experience for myself what they meant by 'winter'. Long nights means more hours of being lonely on my cold bed. The impulse of going out at night is always extinguished by unfamiliarity and lack of companionship. The bubbly personality is starting to shy down after so many attempts of grabbing attention and fail. Even though physically it looks like I am giving up, virtually I am still trying through apps, hoping someone would come along and make my final days here exciting.

Before destiny decides for me, I mold my own and start planning and making plans with people I already know. A possible hang out, a conversation, a short trip. Anything to fill in this unexplained emptiness. Most times I find joy in strolling on a familiar but missed streets with a lump in my throat while basking in the view I know will give me saudade when I am stress under the warmth of Malaysian weather. Did I say joy? The lump in my throat couldn't be easily described by one simple emotion. It is definitely a stir of so many that even I can't name... any of them. My attempt of recording what I witness with my phone for future me is definitely a fail. Trying to capture them in my mind hoping the memory won't fail me.

On the side note, money in my bank account is decreasing every single day and I am getting more and more creative creating delicious dishes out of limited ingredients and I am not complaining at all. Truth is I am trying to get through November as calmly as I can because I am looking forward to a hopefully beautiful and adventurous December. Reality might be catching up but I need to convince myself that I'll cross the bridge when I get there. I have booked so many trips to quench my wanderlust and I am getting excited to see what else Europe has in store for me. I have fallen for Spain as it is and I don't know if my heart will be able to contain the surrealism I will be experiencing. I am hoping to close 2016 with a smile and start 2017 with nothing but positive energy. Plus, this is the first time I get to really see the hype of Christmas building up as the day gets closer. Decorations, music and even the weather are contributing to the kind of Christmas I was fed by my telly since forever. With that being said...

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