You guys will not believe how many drafts I have for this blog at the moment. I know it seems like I have forgotten everything but no. I stumbled upon a few difficulties and I don't know how to bounce back from it and continue writing my Chapter 21 series. I just need to settle a lot of things that's going on at the moment and I will refine and publish those drafts. I am quite demotivated because the memories are not that fresh and my feelings and thoughts might not be as raw as my previous posts. I also have trouble putting it into words and into this blog. So it sometimes needs me to be in the right mood for it. Another problem I might encounter is when I am in the mood, I might choose to write my book instead of my blog. So that would delay the whole blog post publishing as well.
Plus, Chapter 21 has not ended yet. I have so many more to say about my journey into being 21 and I am still experiencing it, writing my own path and what not. It is on going. With that, I might be publishing things out of order though the archive would still be in order depending on when it happened and when I started writing them. So ya da ya da ya da. I don't know why I am explaining this to you. Maybe I am so frustrated seeing all these drafts and this long hiatus is KILLING me.
I don't know, I am sure I will get all of this arranged. It's so hard to maintain and commit to something, isn't it?
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Everything packed? Check. Passport? Check. Am I nervous? Very anxious, but that is how I always feel before travelling alone be it by bus or by plane so, that's not new. Everything is set but one thing is not. My realization. I still feel like this is just another goodbye, another trip, another flight or is that how I am suppose to feel? I keep looking at my dad as if I have something to ask but, I don't know what is the right thing to say. What do I want to know? Am I second guessing? Definitely not, this is what I want. I have had "Madrid - September 2016" written on my desktop for half a year now, way before I got the offer. Maybe the fact that I will be thousands of miles away from the place I am familiar with just has not sink in yet. Maybe that's it.
While waiting for my flight, I virtually bid goodbye to everyone (Facebook of course) and everyone wished me well and told me to have fun. I had mixed feelings because I was scared if things were not as how I hoped or if bad things happen and I don't know how to get help or I get demotivated and everything would be a waste. How can I think of 'fun' when all these are playing in my head? Was I excited? Yes but excitement and anxiety easily blend into a weird rush that demanded to be suppressed so I think of something else. I focus on the now. I made mental comments to things that happen around me and which made me more aware. I realize now that that's what I should do to help with my anxiety problem. I should cross bridges when I get to them, not think about them on the way.
My flight from Kuala Lumpur to Madrid took a detour to Pudong Airport in Shanghai, China. Since the flight to Shanghai only took 5 hours and apparently Shanghai is in the same time zone as Malaysia, it didn't felt much different. When I was queuing up at the transit gate, I am so happy to look around and see people of many colours, origins and destinations. It made me feel like this world is border less but just for a moment because it turns out that I was queuing up for the immigration check. After going through security for my hand-carry, I just hang around the boarding gate. I did get access to the airport wifi but man how Malaysian Airport has better wifi. I could only whatsapp my friends and family (thank god) and nothing else. No Facebook, no Twitter, no Google, nothing. I was lucky the wait was not that long (an hour or two after the security check) but I did have any books and magazines with me to keep myself busy.
The next 12 hours felt nonchalant. However upon arriving in Spain, that's when it hit me. Hey, your life here begins now. Whatever you did, whoever you were did not matter. And whatever I do or whoever I be in Madrid will determine how wonderful this semester will be. I took my bags from the conveyor belt and went for the exit. I saw a man holding up my name and a few others and with a confident smile, I introduced myself.
I am ready.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Why do people start writing a story or a book? Some do it because they want to express themselves, putting their fantasies or tragedies into words. Perhaps even righting a wrong from the past. Some are inspired by actual events or after a careful observation of the world and they want to share that with everyone who wants to hear. Others do it as a favourite past time. No matter for what reason, all stories start with one thing,
So what's my idea that lead me to this? Not only that I have a typical title for my story, which is... as many put it.. so basic, but also wasting a lot of time writing and gaining nothing from it because I am too lazy to understand how AdSense work. Before I can start, maybe we should back up a bit to... well, me.
I have been walking with hanged head and slumped shoulders around campus and I don't think people notice. To be honest I find it hard to feel content last semester. I will either be on cloud nine or in the dumps. Rarely in between. This is not the first time I feel like this though, I have been here before, it's just that it got worse. Have you ever feel that you are pathetic if you admit that you need people in your life? As if you can't stand the thought of being lonely. No, not alone, but lonely. That's kind of how I felt. The fact that the pillars of my strength are so far away from me and I have no one near I can emotionally attach to kind of make me feel lonely and everything just goes bad from there. I felt trapped in a place I don't want to be in most times and it triggered my need to quit and escape. Honestly, I do not know if this is young and reckless me speaking or is it the tired me, but I know how I feel.
I try to think of the times I am most happy. Of course that would be around my best friends, best buds and my family. But other than that, I feel free and content when I am trying to know myself more and discover new things. In other words, I just want to be free to be me. I remembered how it felt in Surabaya, how I adore meeting new people and new environment just means adventure. And guess what? That's what I am going to do.
21 and in spirits of looking for myself, I think it is time for me to start doing what I love and I am going to tell the world about it. I am going to write this story. My story. And the best thing about this story? There is no arranged plot. For once in my life, I have no plan on what is going to happen. It might be a sad story or a happy one. It may be posts of regrets or of a wonderful journey. Both you and I will have to know as time goes by.
But I know one thing is for sure at this moment: we're off to Spain! 🇪🇸