You guys will not believe how many drafts I have for this blog at the moment. I know it seems like I have forgotten everything but no. I stumbled upon a few difficulties and I don't know how to bounce back from it and continue writing my Chapter 21 series. I just need to settle a lot of things that's going on at the moment and I will refine and publish those drafts. I am quite demotivated because the memories are not that fresh and my feelings and thoughts might not be as raw as my previous posts. I also have trouble putting it into words and into this blog. So it sometimes needs me to be in the right mood for it. Another problem I might encounter is when I am in the mood, I might choose to write my book instead of my blog. So that would delay the whole blog post publishing as well.


Plus, Chapter 21 has not ended yet. I have so many more to say about my journey into being 21 and I am still experiencing it, writing my own path and what not. It is on going. With that, I might be publishing things out of order though the archive would still be in order depending on when it happened and when I started writing them. So ya da ya da ya da. I don't know why I am explaining this to you. Maybe I am so frustrated seeing all these drafts and this long hiatus is KILLING me.


I don't know, I am sure I will get all of this arranged. It's so hard to maintain and commit to something, isn't it?

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Be Bravely Sincere With Yourself 30 Days Challenge : Day 14


What would you tell 
the one who got away 
if you met them today?


A notification with his name always makes her freak out and stunt for a few second but today, their path crossed. She couldn't help her astonished face when she saw him, couldn't believe that they ran into each other after what felt like ages. They parted on texts and they tried reconcile on social medias. They never did get the chance to really feel what confrontation is like. She didn't know how she should act so, screw pretending. Her subconscious mind knew what she felt and that's how she will act. "HI! HOW ARE YOU?!" she beamed with a high pitch, all excited. She probably has played this scene a few times in her head but nothing matters now. Anxious, she waited for his respond... like she always does when she thought she said something clever on his status. On plain eyes, his respond seemed immediate but to her... honestly she can feel her heart throbbing in her throat. She thought she is used to this by now.

She miss him so much. All these time, on their attempts of pretending online, she couldn't help thinking of how he would pull his face when he disapprove of something, or when he wants to get a point across. How he would laugh, smile or sneer. His jokes, oh he finds him funny and she has always wanted someone that can make her laugh. She likes a lot of things about him and she miss talking to him. Those many many hours of texting back and forth when they should be sleeping. He has always been a good listener. He kept her from bouncing off the wall and she needed that. She has always liked him but...

Sigh...

She smiled and she asked casual questions. She laughed and she didn't even have to try, the conversation kept on going. Everything seemed easy. In the end they had to part. After the goodbye, she was overwhelmed. Every breath felt heavy. She took her phone out of her pocket, tapped on the blue bird and started typing...

"I always try when I never had to. I guess it's time to stop"


#BeBravelySincereWithYourself

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Be Bravely Sincere With Yourself 30 Days Challenge : Day 8



What would you tell 
the people 
who hurt you most?

Imaginary Meeting

We have never met since we parted
A big part of me is relieved
But I would be lying if I say I don't want to meet you for the last time
I want you to look at me with eyes filled with guilt
I want you to know what you did to me
How much pain you have inflicted
How much you have changed me
How low my self-worth was
How long it took me to bounce back
I want you to see the cracks even after all the patching I have done
And know that those are your fingerprints on me

I want to shove it to you
Things that you have probably known
Things that will hurt you if they ever reach your ears
Things that will feed your anxiety and crush your confidence
Things that will be your lullaby while you wallow of self-pity

Truth is I no longer feel hurt when I think about you
I feel anger
I blame every single failure on you
Because before you, I don't know how to fail
And now the only thing I do is fail
You introduced me to a world I don't want to know exist
And now I am living in it

Sure, maybe I haven't been able to own up to my mistakes yet
Perhaps one day I will
And when that day comes, I'll remove the shackles I put on your existence in my life
And who knows, if we accidentally cross-path
I can smile and continue walking

#BeBravelySincereWithYourself

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Be Bravely Sincere With Yourself 30 Days Challenge : Day 7



Detached

I am a very put together kind of girl
I have been making good decisions all my life and rewarded handsomely for it too
People look up to me
Expect greatly from me
Every pat on the back feels like a reminder of how tall I need to stand
That I should fully utilize all these support
They feel like a push to get me going 
Elevating me to a higher place
Because when I am given everything I need to fly
There is no other place I can go but up

So fully determined, reliable and confident
I admit that the journey is a long one
I cannot see the finish line but I know it's there
And every new people I meet have that same look on their face
Trust and adoration
I easily make friends with people and I am always happy

What happened?
Darn it how do I tell a tale that I myself was drunk when I heard it
Yes, heard
Not experienced
Because the only way that I would have made those kinds on decisions was if I was out of my body
Along with all rationality that could have saved this mind and this body from steering into destruction 
she never knew would ever exist in her path
The kind of destruction she only heard of but have never seen
The kind that she thought was just told to spice up a story 
that would have a happy ending at the end of it eventually
But she doesn't think this one will have one.

She really miss I.

#BeBravelySincereWithYourself

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Be Bravely Sincere With Yourself 30 Days Challenge : Day 5



Dear love,

    Truth is I never want to admit that I love you. Maybe because you are a guy and having me loving you will give an utterly wrong impression. If I admit that I love you, I am afraid you will push me away because the only thing we can be is friends. It is impossible for us to be anything more than that. It's madness to be anything more than that. But that's just it. I love you and I am not asking us to be more than friends. How we define our relationship has nothing to do with how I feel about you. And how I feel about you has nothing to do with how you feel about me. So why am I not allowed to express how I feel with the fear of it effecting things that are not suppose to be related?

Am I scaring you now?

How did I know I love you? See, I only want to be happy and genuine, that's all I want for me. When I know you, I was nothing but being myself after so long of pretending and holding back. You didn't seem to mind being close to me and accepted me un-judging-ly. Anxiety ran away from me, depression couldn't find me and I felt free. I feel free when I am with you. I can say anything, do anything and you will never respond in a way that makes me feel... wrong. Because I have always been wrong, a lot of things I did was not right with anyone else but they are fine with you. I am at complete ease.
You come from a very different walk of life from mine but we meet at an intersection and the fact that you were different is keeping me close. I want to know everything about you and I love everything that I do know about you. Maybe I love different. Maybe I am bored and done with what I have been seeing and you are introducing me to a whole new view. It's like you are giving me a glimpse of what the world has in store for me and I loved it. You gave me a new reason to keep going when I needed that more than ever.
When we met, I know that our paths are perpendicular to each other. That that would be the first and the last time we meet and that fact made me cry when we parted. I have never cried during a goodbye, that was my first time. Now we are almost 10 000 miles away and I don't want my path to be a straight line anymore. I want to defy the distance between us so that I can get one more day of being carefree, one more day of adventure and one more day of your company, your stories and your laughter. If I can't create this little heaven on Earth, I do hope to meet you again in Heaven.

    I never get to write these on those postcards I sent. True, 'not enough space' is a good excuse. But maybe I am just not ready for your respond. Yes you have never make me feel bad before but letting you in to my deepest emotion will make me vulnerable to your reply. Let this just be... this. Because I am grateful with this. And thank you for introducing me to a kind of love I have never expected to know.


Love, Me


#BeBravelySincereWithYourself

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Be Bravely Sincere With Yourself 30 Days Challenge : Day 4


First Love?

What is love?
Is it when you caught a glance from a boy you never thought much about
And you feel flattered that he would give you the time of day?
For once someone noticed you and it made you smile
You didn't make a big deal out of it but you caught yourself looking at the mention of his name
You always talk tough to boys but when he started talking to you
you became soft
Luring him into falling for you if he hadn't already

What is love?
Is it when he first made a move by hinting that he wanted to get close to you
And you let him?
From all the seats available, he chose to sit near you
When you needed to go somewhere, he would accompany you
Next thing you know, he had a nickname for you
and he changed your name in his address book
And all these was just elevating you higher

What is love?
Is it when you share everything together?
Your time, stories, pain and joy
You started to learn about each other more and more
And you learned to accept the most broken piece you have ever known
Because now you treat that piece as your own
You learn to look for the best in him
And you thought you were strong enough to be lean on
It didn't feel like me and you anymore
It felt like... us

What is love?
Is it when it is expected that you always text each other to a point that
his silence drove you crazy?
Especially during those times he made you so angry
Pushed you to that boundary between secure and insecure
And every time you fought and made up
It chipped you off bit by bit
Like a wave that hits a big rock every single day
Just to leave it deformed, looking like something it was not before

What is love?
Is it when you would do anything to make him happy
Even when it makes you feel bad?
You silenced your conscience and you stopped rationalizing with yourself
And sinning didn't seem like a bad thing anymore
You loved each other passionately and it felt like nobody could tear you apart
Somehow you are convinced that if he was happy
You'd be happy too

What is love?
Is it when you choose not to give up on something you know does not work anymore?
Each time you took a break from each other, it killed you
Every night, your pillow was drenched by your tears
And you came running back to him
In hopes that things would be different now
But you lost yourself
And even if you didn't want to admit it, you lost him too

Truth is I don't know what love is
Not back then, not even now
But every time anyone remind me of my first
Reminded me how it felt
Any words that had been said
If any of my wound re-open
Or if I feel as simple as vulnerable again
I run away

#BeBravelySincereWithYourself

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Be Bravely Sincere With Yourself 30 Days Challenge : Day 2



Self-Doubt

Am I difficult to be with?
Why is it that I can't seem to get along with many people?
Why don't people favor me?
Am I not an easy person to talk to?
Will anyone ever find me interesting?
Does anybody even want me to be there?
Or am I just another person they need to consider?
Am I burdening anyone?
Does anybody even want to be friends with me?

Are people judging how I look?
Am I not attractive enough?
Am I ugly?
Am I fat?
Are they talking about how I am trying too hard?
Am I trying to hard though?

Am I annoying?
Am I too rough?
Do I talk too much?
Are my laughs to loud?
Are my words hurting anyone?
Is my language too foul?
Are my stories boring?
Are they forced to listen to me?
Why can't I say the same thing and they would laugh too?
Did I say it wrong?
Or is it because she is saying it, it is right?

Am I different?
Was I not brought up right?
Is being different a bad thing?
Am I doing something wrong?

Are people talking about me?
Are the questioning my choices?
Do they think I am a snob?
Do they think I hate them?
Do they think I am talking about them behind their back?
Are they suggesting that I am not dependable?
Are my opinions bad?
Do they think I am pretentious and fake?

Do you know how I know if I am with the right company?
When I don't have to ask any of these questions when we are spending time together
The problem is, it is so rare that I don't
So... is there something wrong with me?

#BeBravelySincereWithYourself

**********

This is my favourite from artparasites.com.
Disclaimer: This is not mine.


I WISH IT DIDN’T HURT TO BE THIS KIND OF WOMAN

I wish it didn’t hurt
to be this kind of woman.
A woman with no home,
no job,
no man.
A woman who loves to love
but never needs.
A woman armed with only a backpack
and her intuition.
A woman whose freedom rests completely
on her courage
to wake up every morning
and live each moment
authentically,
unapologetically,
bravely.
I wish I could say how blissful this always is,
how mostly it doesn’t hurt,
but I spend some days wondering,
Who will want this kind of woman?
What will a man do with her?
Who will wash his clothes?
Make his dinner?
Have his babies?
There are plenty of women in this world
willing to submit,
settle,
satisfy,
commit.
So sometimes it hurts.
Mostly in the places where the roots are supposed to grow.
Roots that should dig
deep into the ground,
burrowing into a land,
a family,
a man.
Where do the roots go without the soil?
Without a home?
Instead,
my roots have turned into thick,
beautiful,
green and flowering vines
that dangle in the air like a golden chandelier.
But do not be fooled.
They are like magnets.
Searching for anyone,
anyplace,
to cling to
to wrap themselves around.
I once spent an entire summer day on my knees
breaking and uprooting a garden bed infested with vines.
Sweet potato and papaya tree plants surrounded by the hungry weeds.
As I cut my hands
pulling, breaking, and struggling,
I thought,
They will come back.
They always do.

Written by Saskia Layden