You guys will not believe how many drafts I have for this blog at the moment. I know it seems like I have forgotten everything but no. I stumbled upon a few difficulties and I don't know how to bounce back from it and continue writing my Chapter 21 series. I just need to settle a lot of things that's going on at the moment and I will refine and publish those drafts. I am quite demotivated because the memories are not that fresh and my feelings and thoughts might not be as raw as my previous posts. I also have trouble putting it into words and into this blog. So it sometimes needs me to be in the right mood for it. Another problem I might encounter is when I am in the mood, I might choose to write my book instead of my blog. So that would delay the whole blog post publishing as well.

Plus, Chapter 21 has not ended yet. I have so many more to say about my journey into being 21 and I am still experiencing it, writing my own path and what not. It is on going. With that, I might be publishing things out of order though the archive would still be in order depending on when it happened and when I started writing them. So ya da ya da ya da. I don't know why I am explaining this to you. Maybe I am so frustrated seeing all these drafts and this long hiatus is KILLING me.

I don't know, I am sure I will get all of this arranged. It's so hard to maintain and commit to something, isn't it?

Saturday, August 22, 2015

New Old Me

After spending more than 2 weeks at home, focusing on me and doing everything I like (with supports from mom and my sister I guess)... well... not everything I mean it has their ups and downs, it's life, right? Wait. This is off course. Moving on. After happily making myself fat and messing up my own biological clock, suddenly, I start feeling a huge sense of 'I am awesome and I can do better' with a mix of 'I miss the old me' with a dash of self loving. Today, that feeling bloomed and burst inside of me and I have made plans of how I am going to handle next semester. Why? How? Allow me to rant.

My whole life had been about gaining respect, being successful and making my parents happy. 3 things that I subconsciously have been trying to achieve my whole life, until I was 18. I am not blaming anyone to what happen next but I know I got messed up and did many stupid things after I turned 18. I was not proud of myself and even after leaving my foolish life a year later, I was still broken and trying to pick myself back up. The 19 year old me was not the same person as the 17 year old me, I know that and I was trying and trying but it got out of hand instead. Emotionally and psychologically I am not okay. It feels like I keep trying to find someone to fill this hole for me. It was stupid and was totally not the right thing to do. Guess this new feeling inside of me make me realize this and I am happy.

I look back to my first year in university and I realize how I have wasted a good year to being damage. Embarrassing. I use to be looked up to. I use to be that person people know is dependable. I use to be that person who is free to be herself and get what she wants. And she knows what she wants. Instead, I was scared of what people think of me, emotional to how people treated me and think that everyone detest me. What happened? Not just that, I try to gain people's respect too much that I accidentally say yes to things I should have said no to. I was trying so hard to make everything how it use to be at a new place. And for what? Nothing!

So next semester is a come back! I realize that if I want to achieve anything, I need to love myself and to hell what anybody else wanna say and think. The only person I can try to please is myself and everything will fall to place from there. Alhamdulillah I still have some spark in me last year and I got a placing in the 5ETP leadership track  which is my key to be that girl again. It only takes 1 spark to create a fire, and that fire is starting to burn right now. This girl might not be on fire yet but she will be.

I have a feeling it is going to be a good year.